Courage comes before confidence
Self-doubt, people pleasing, self-criticism & self-worth.
Today, I want to get you thinking about the ‘what, why, where and how’ of people pleasing and self-doubt. And reflect of why we need to be courageous before we can be confident.
Historically, (looking back to primitive times) it was very important to ‘fit in’ in our communities for survival reasons. This ensured we had enough food, we were safe and we had shelter. Because of this, when we feel like we don’t ‘fit in’ our brains sense this as a ‘threat’ due to the brain being programmed to alert us about danger to our to our safety and security. Our mind then starts working to make sense of this threat and leads us to start questioning “why?”, resulting in feelings of self-doubt (e.g. what’s wrong with me, the problem must be me, I’m not funny enough, I’m not nice enough, I’m not good enough). Therefore, self-doubt is a survival response. Looking at the big picture; it is impossible to stop caring about what other’s think of us or where we fit in society. Put simply, our brains are working for us and this as a safety response.
So, considering it's human nature to be conscious of what people think of us.… it makes sense that people pleasing comes into play.
But, if it’s all a survival response why is "people pleasing" a problem? And why does it not feel great? Let's not get confused. People pleasing is much more than just being nice to people. People pleasing is a pattern of behaviour consistently putting others needs before your own. This can lead to neglect of personal health, wellbeing and safety. And this is when it can start significantly impacting people’s confidence and self-worth leading to self-criticism and poor mental health outcomes. Low self-worth and self-criticising behaviours feed the ‘people pleaser’ inside us and this becomes a vicious cycle. This may look like - perceived threat > self-doubt > people pleasing > poor mental health.
People pleasing is a pattern of behaviour consistently putting others needs before your own.
Tell me, why am I a people pleaser? Often this is something we have developed from childhood to keep ourselves safe. If we grow up in an environment where it is not safe to disagree, express different ideas or challenge our care givers because this leads to anger, rejection or contempt; we learn that being agreeable keeps our environment safer and calmer. When we get to adulthood, this then impacts our relationships (intimate, workplace, friendships) as we are scared of disapproval and this leading to rejection or feeling threatened. Being a “people pleaser” is a concept we often identify as being a character flaw in ourselves but is important to remember this is trauma response. Stemming from childhood experiences this pattern of behaviour began because we tried to maintain safety and stability.
Moving away from People pleasing.
Understanding who you are:
Often needing the help of a therapist it is important to sit down and reflect on what values you hold and what goals you have.
Set healthy boundaries:
Boundaries are an important way to protect our emotional and spiritual energy.
Nurture your self worth:
When we start enforcing boundaries and saying “no”, criticism from others may happen. Learn how to reality check, reflect on your tiggers and positive self-talk.
Check in with yourself:
Building insight to your well being is key for contributing to develop resilience towards criticism and shame. Using journaling can be helpful to review and reflect.
Now you have a basic understanding about the ‘what, why, where and how’ of people please and self-doubt, I hope you are starting to see why I called this post ‘Courage Before Confidence’. Being a “people pleaser” is a concept we often identify as being a character flaw in ourselves but is important to remember this is trauma response. Therefore, we need the courage to make steps towards challenging the ‘people pleaser’ inside of us - AND THAT IS SCARY. However, over times the small steps of courage make the self-doubt smaller and our confidence increases.
Therefore the affirmation is - COURAGE COMES BEFORE CONFIDENCE.
To successfully work through these beliefs and develop these new skills you may need the help and support of a psychologist. If this is post that has resonated with you and you feel you need support please reach out to book a session with me.
